Face Book vs Blogging

Or Junk food vs Home cooking.

Like most of y’all, I like to have the occasional fast food meal or even some junk food now and then.  It’s nice.  It’s a treat.  Okay, so maybe it’s not too healthy, and it’s not exactly nutritious, and I probably eat a little more of it than I should…but we’re not going there, right now.

Look, I enjoy face book.  I really do.  I’ve made some great friends, kept in touch with others, and enjoyed their posts, and laughed, cried, and shuddered at the shared meme’s and all that.

I’ve prayed for folks, and high-five'd them when high-fives are needed, and I’ve actually remembered birthdays, for a change.  

 Okay… so face book reminded me of the birthdays, but I’ve always said that I need a keeper. 

And FB became “it”.

BUT

It came with a price.

My blogging fell by the wayside, and at first, it wasn’t too bad.

I didn’t miss it too much.

But slowly and insidiously, it crept up on me, that something was missing in my life.

Go figure… with an almost brand new husband whom I absolutely adore, 9 kitties that make me smile, and who warm my heart on a daily basis, 2 dogs that cause me to smile, laugh, cry and occasionally curse because I've fallen and can't get up… and 4 adorable chickens that know how to lay eggs to beat the band. 

Not to mention my new-to-me little house that I now know will never be finished, or even completely livable.  Or even vaguely photograph-able… by Better Homes and Gardens magazine,  or any other magazine for that matter.

Unless it's MAD..

So, really…who has room for anything more than that, in their lives?

I do.

My blogging was “my” thing.

A place where I could vent, share, share pictures, open up, bitch, moan and question my sanity – and the sanity of half the entire human race. 

And then I got to share it with complete and total strangers and a few good friends.   

Bloggers or not.

Some of whom then questioned my sanity, and then others who knew me well enough to know that there was really nothing left to question.

It didn’t solve any world problems, and it’s not ever going to… but it gives me a much needed outlet for the bits and pieces of “stuff” that lodge in my brain.

Kind of like pieces of broccoli lodged in my teeth. 

It may be a little unsightly, but it’s proof that I do indeed eat my veggies.

Okay, so that analogy makes absolutely no sense, but this is my blog… so deal with it.

Once I got back into this blogging, (and then figured out what seems to be a whole new set of blog set-up and posting criteria) one of the very first things I did, was check my Blog List.

For you non-blogging people, that’s the list that shows all the recent posts by other bloggers that I follow – and the blogs that they write.

Now, there are millions of blogs out there, but I had my favorites pared right down to the crème de la crème of the blogging world.

In my eyes, anyway.

So imagine my chagrin when I realized that about half of all my old blogging buddies have basically quit blogging as well.

“Last posted 2 years ago”

“Last posted 8 months ago”

"this blog cannot be found".

It was almost enough to break my heart, because I LOVED those blogs - and the folks who wrote them.

So when I ran across a few of my favorite bloggers, and they still had fairly recent posts, or were still posting  regularly, I practically fell to my knees with joy.

I could have kissed the computers they wrote on.

I could have kissed them.

I could have done a nekkid *happy dance*.

I could have gone to jail.

Okay, so maybe with some of us, blogging was just a phase.

Maybe with some of us, more important things ended up taking us away from something that we loved, but then again, maybe that was the one “something” that we were actually good at, or that brought us joy.

Something that I for one… needed to do.

Not that I'm actually "good" at it, but it's a wonderful outlet for me.

I may not be funny like some, or as educational or as crafty as others, but the simple act of putting my thoughts down on paper screen, did my heart a world of good.

So I’m back.  I may not post as regularly as before, because of all the aforementioned husband/animal issues, but I pinky swear that I will make a darn good attempt to continue to find time for this much needed outlet.

 Man cannot live by facebook alone, and I for one, am ready for something a little heartier and "stick to your ribs" than FB.

                  I'm ready for some "home cookin' "again.

If you’re a past blogger, and you're on my list (you know who you are) won’t you please consider throwing a   bone blog post, our way, again?

Because, you’ve been missed.

AND... I've still got that "Feedjit" thing on my page.

So I'll know, if you even just poke your head in, and then don't bother to comment.

So do me a favor and at least say something.

Anything.

My sanity and the future of my blog may depend on it.

But no pressures, of course.  

“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” – William Wordsmith

Something for nothing... or Good Eats for FREE!

There's a reason I love Estate Sales...

Just look at this stuff on my pantry shelf! 

Probably a good 30% - 40% of it was free, from a local estate sale, some of it was ours already, and another little bit was purchased from another estate sale - at vastly reduced prices!

It seems that with the last sale, the Mom had recently gone into a home, after her husband died... and rather than try and dispose of the food themselves (the children were from another state)  they just gave it all away - containers and all!

Everything is well within the use-by date, and a lot of it is stuff that we usually can't afford.

Still sorting through things, and trying to get everything organized.  So don't look at the mess.  

Just keep your eyes on the goodies!

There are some very pricey Wolfgang Puck spices here somewhere, but they might still be in another bag. 

And every one of the spices, are completely unopened and still sealed.

Sugar and spice, and everything nice.

The sugars have been opened, but they'll be used for Hummingbird food.

The Hummers will love me.

Enough beans to keep us tooting our own horns for months on end, and the containers will come in so handy!

And here's the  reward, for when all the unpacking, sorting and stocking of shelves is done!

Now if I could just find those blasted Water Crackers, and some cheese, dinner would be ready!

With this kind of reward to look forward to, I better get back to sorting...

Letting go… and letting God.

ca·thar·sis

noun: catharsis;

1.       the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.

For me... it simply means prayer.

It’s time.  In fact it’s well past time, but just like any grieving process, things don’t always progress like we think they should.  Because as a Mother, you figure that simply loving someone will eventually and magically “fix” things. 

And this is especially true when it’s your child who is hurt.

As a Mother, you want and need to fix things…   not only for their sake, but for your own as well.  Because when “all’s well with their world”, all’s well with yours too.

But sometimes things are un-fixable, and no matter what you do, nothing is ever rectified, or resolved or even forgotten.

It’s like taking one step forward, and two steps back, until the day comes when you realize that instead of moving forward –and beyond the pain – all you’ve been doing is some heart breaking, never-ending cha-cha, and the pain is still just as raw today, as it was on the day when “the ties that bind” were broken.

Every single night for coming on two years now, my final thoughts before sleep are of my son, and the hurt and heartbreak that he’s caused me.  And every single night, after tossing and turning, while my mind whirls and spins with the “what if’s” and the “if only this hadn’t happened” I ask God to take this burden from me.

And every single night, He lifts my burdens.

Night, after night, after night…

But this is no way to live.  I can’t do this anymore.  There comes a time when you know that you just have to move on, even if nothing has ever been resolved between you… or if you’ve  never even fully understood why it happened in the first place.

This is that time.

There will be no more asking God to take the burden from me tonight… only to pick it up again the next morning.

This time, I’m asking God to lift this burden from me, for good… so that I can live out the rest of my days without the excruciating pain and heartache of my only  remaining child cutting me completely out of his life.

It hurts that he’s forgotten all the good times, and the battles that I fought on his behalf.  

 He’s forgotten that I never ever considered him to be a  f*** up that has always screwed everything up... as he so eloquently put it.

He’s forgotten that I used to drive all the way into Angels to pick him up after his shift at Taco Bell, when I could have been in bed and sleeping,  but I did it, because I loved him.

I lent him my car… even when he didn’t always bring it back on time, or even in the same condition that it was in before he left.

But if he asked, I gave.

If he needed, I was there.

  

From rides, to money, to help with school projects, to parachute pants even though I couldn't afford them.

His favorite Green Onion Cakes...

 Even as far as bail money, when it was necessary. 

I took his side, no matter what stories I heard from other family members.

Because I love him.

Not loved him. 

But  because I love him still.

But I’ve finally given up on sending him face book messages asking him to contact me, or even to just come down and talk to me… because I just get ignored, and that hurts me right down to my core.

He ignores me until he wants something from me, and then if I don’t respond like he wants, the sarcasm and attitude come out, yet again.

All this, because he's listened to self-serving lies from his step father.  I'm not just hurt because he listened in the first place... I'm hurt because he never even considered the source.

I’ve lost 2 children to death… and all I had left was my third child.  But if he won’t speak to me, or interact with me in any way, it’s high time to say “enough is enough”.  

I need to do it, before it breaks me.

God got me through the loss of my other 2 children, and I know that he will get me through this heartbreak as well.

Lord,  please take this burden from me… For good. 

You know that I’ve tried and tried, and you know that the fight has now gone out of me.  I can’t do this anymore.  As painful as it is, I need to move on with my life, and I can’t do that with this weight  around my heart.

You know what you're doing, Lord, even though I don't.  It's time for me to turn it all over to you, and for me to fully place my trust in you.
I'm so very tired of crying.

Lord, please give me the peace that surpasses all understanding, and please, give comfort to this mother who mourns the loss of yet another precious and well loved child.

Amen