Saturday, June 12, 2010

Lookin' for a man...

That's right.
I'm in the market for a new man.

Aged between 45 and 75, fit, and able to do small necessary chores around the house.

Must be a self-starter.

Must be able to cook the occasional hot meal, without reminding me of it for the next 50 years, and must be able to at least clear his own dishes off the table without being asked.

Clearing mine off the table when I get sidetracked bathing a child with spaghetti from one end to the other, and who's also painting the walls with spaghetti sauce, is highly desirable.

Stacking dishes is acceptable... but a bonus will be given for actually washing the dishes.
(actual bonus negotiable)

Must not want to sit on his a** watching TV, (no matter how cute that a** may be) while I do end-of-the-day things like feed the cats, hang out the last 3 loads of laundry, wash the 20th sink-full of dishes for the day, and then take out the trash... after my having worked a very stressful 16 hour day or 24 hours a day for 6 days straight, and when I'm absolutely dead on my feet.

To the point where I actually fall over in the street, scraping my hands and knee and tearing a hole in my pants, while taking the 2 garbage bins to the curb.

Telling me what I missed on TV, while I'm feeding cats/doing laundry/ cooking/ or taking out the garbage bins and tripping on the curb and ripping my hand open, is absolutely forbidden and will result in instant termination and alienation of affection.

Giving me a blow-by-blow word-for-word rundown of the morning news, afternoon cooking shows or what Oprah said today, will also result in the applicant being terminated.

Pitching in to lend a hand without me having to ask 47 times, is an important attribute, and is highly desirable.

Not chasing off potential painters, by telling them that I can't really afford a painter, and that he will do it for me, is extremely important.
Actually doing the painting sometime within 3 years of chasing off the potential painter is also extremely important, because since the window sills are already sanded, (by myself, mind you) rot will set in some time in those 3 years, necessitating even more work and money to repair them.
BIG money.
Like $200 per window... times 7 windows BIG money.
Money I don't have.

Must be highly motivated to do what he says he will do, when he says he will do it.

Promising to help me out with some $$'s when I haven't yet been paid since taking holidays in April, and the bills are continually rolling in, is highly desirable.
However, the successful applicant must be willing and able to follow through on those promises.
Actions speak louder than words, so to speak.

Promising me for 4 long, stressful weeks to put money in my bank account because I'm getting 2nd notices on several bills... and then sitting back and eventually watching me put $912.78 worth of bills on my Master Card, because there is no money in said bank account, and the "many-times-promised" money was never actually forthcoming, will be severely frowned upon... and can and will result in instant dismissal - not to mention instant and irreconcilable waning of my affection.
As is forcing me to use a run-on sentences.
My affection just waned even more considerably there.

Wanting to charge me $50 for cutting my grass, when the professionals only charge me $35. is unacceptable.
Telling me that the professionals can't make a living charging those prices, is just ridiculous... and will not be tolerated.

Telling me "now that now that I'm retired, I actually work harder than when I worked for for the post office for 41 years years - and I never have a single, solitary minute to myself nowadays"... after having watched Oprah, Ready Steady Cook and Judge Judy all afternoon and then gone shopping for a cast iron skillet and another freakin' hat, will result in immediate dismissal, and no references will be given.

Preference will be given to a man who has an "open wallet" approach.
The sucessful applicant should understand that I will never unnecessarily take advantage of that attitude, and that I will repay every single penny as soon as humanly possible.
Even if it means going without food.
In ten years, I would expect that a man would know that about me.

Preference will be given to a man who owns his own home, who has worked for most of his life, has future goals and a can-do attitude, and who promises to deliver - and then actually delivers what he says he will.

Having a humorous, light-hearted attitude also helps.

Hmmm...I wonder if this guy is available?
(click to enlarge)


Marilyn's Money said...

Oh Katey, I got nothing for ya! Times are tough here too! I'm fed up and tired. Keep looking sweetie.Men really?

Katidids said...

Oh Kate, Hugs to ya! Sorry, I think I married the only man that fits the list! From the sound of it, your better off!

Out Back said...

Put another log on the fire,
Cook me up some bacon and some beans,
Then go out to the car and change the tyre,
Wash my socks and sew my ole blue jeans,
Come on baby,
you can fill my pipe then go fetch my slippers,
And boil me up another pot of tea,
Then put another log on the fire babe,
Come on tell me why your leaving me.

Think this song was written for you Kate.

Good luck finding another "man". Don't think there are many out there though.

Thanks for giving me an early morning smile. Great start to the day!


Becky said...

So does this mean you are over the old guy? Or just looking for a back up? Maybe you will find one back in California. Some of those guys from Alaska look pretty good. Maybe a mail order one!

Fruitcake Sandy said...

Oh Katie ... I started to tell you that I fell down laughing while reading your post ... but I sense very real anguish here and I care about you, so no laughing or jokes. Please tell me "this, too, shall pass" and the Old Guy is either temporarily insane, incapacitated, in a coma or all three!

Not to rub salt in any wounds, but the mold must have been broken as The Duck is my true blessing. Sending healing hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and prayers that you will find just the 'right' one ... if that's what you want. And you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes!!!

Tatersmama said...

Ahhh... look.
He IS a good man in so many ways, but it's just that it's been chip, chip, chipping at me for far too long and I can't really be bothered anymore.
He's a "boyfriend" but not a "partner" if that makes any sense.
I love him dearly, but I'm just tired of giving 100% and getting less than 10% in return.

Does anyone have Sam Elliot's phone number? ;)

Libby's Library said...

Oh dear, my toasty tater tot...wish I could wave my magic wand (dipped in Crisco)and make things all better. Sending good vibes your way, and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Kate...It sounds like you've had a WEEK!! Sigh...I hear you, girl!!! Sometimes it's like that...My heart is with you...Love you! Janine XO

farmlady said...

Sam Elliot is married, my dear. I think you just need to come home...
the foothills are calling.

Fruitcake Sandy said...

Awwww ... where's a J. Howard Marshall when you need him? (one foot in the grave type) ... actually he's got both feet in the grave, but you know what I mean. You could always contact The Millionaire Matchmaker ... all kidding aside, YES, boyfriend vs. partner makes perfect sense. Perhaps it IS time to come home!

Kerry O'Gorman said...

I think this may be like Santa Claus and the Easter bunny....non existent! But a girl can dream can't she?

Marjie said...

Well, sorry, but you can't have mine. He clears dishes and even loads them in the DW (not always competently, but I never bitch) and, sick and twisted individual he is, LOVES doing the laundry. Crap, now I've added to your qualities list, haven't I? Sorry.

Nancy M. said...

Men can be so stressful! Sometimes I wonder if it would be better alone? They really do like you to remember that one dish they washed 5 years ago!

Tatersmama said...

Awww.... Y'all always make me smile, so I'll quit complaining now, okay? ;)

HermitJim said...

I'd be more than glade to apply for the position, but I live in Texas! Does that disqualify me?

I'm not as good as I once was, but as good once as I ever was!

I also do windows and can knit! Oh, and my back rubs are pretty good!

Not to mention, I love to cook and bake!

Marjie said...

Hey, everyone! Lookie there! Katie already has an applicant for the job!

Roslyn said...

Oh so sorry, Kate, seems there are less gooduns out there the older we get, not sure if they die off or simply fade away. I am lucky to have one of those gooduns & I so wish you could find one too!
You really do deserve the best. Someone suggested Alaska, I have read good things about those fellas & there are LOTS of them, LOL!

Roslyn said...

Maybe this will hasten your homecoming........

My Mind, Out Loud said...

I love this, my girlfriend is always saying she should carry around an application for potential suitors. "We'll call you if you seem like the right fit." LOL.

Robynn's Ravings said...

OH.MY.GOOD.LORD. How did I live without THIS post for THIS long??!!! I mean, my hiney is laid up and all but, uh, this should go VIRAL and be ALL over the internet. I believe you are my next post, Katie. I'm linking this one. I mean, I know I've sent people here before but this is just a "must read!"

I follow a gal whose husband grows his own wood, cuts it down, turns it into floor boards, and then lays them on her floor. He also does ALL the cooking. And he tried to teach us all how to get our men to do the same thing. He was fooled enough to think all men were just like him. She hadn't yet told him that he was from another planet. She's afraid it'll spook him and he'll run off, I think.

And girl, you've GOT to get the heck outta Oz and get back to American terra firma!!! Readin' all that I'm thinkin' the Old Guy better be lockin' his doors at night! And for good reason! (He could probably work himself up to a walk across the room. Any other kind of action verbs that would actually be beneficial to you are probably out of the question.)

Robynn's Ravings said...

P.S. I hope you contacted Hermit Jim! Now on to the next posts and maybe I'll hear something about this!

NaomiG said...

Came over from Robynn... So funny! I think we all feel this way on some days. :-)

B. J. Brooks said...

Kate, Robyn from Robyn's Ravings sent me over here for a visit and you are awesome. Keep on writing, you do an incredible job of getting it out there.

I've finally found a keeper who cleans the table, washes the dishes and buys me lots of neat stuff. He pays attention to what I say whether it's "a pizza sounds good for dinner" or "I think I need one of those round brushes to fix my new hair style."

Came home from work Wednesday night and laying on my bed was a round brush, round brush curling iron, bottle of shampoo and bottle of my favorite bubble bath.

He has other faults but my sister told me that if I ever got married again to look for a man who would make the bed and keep gas in the car..... that I found at age 60, so keep on looking they are out there but some of them are older than we once were too.

Blessings and I think Sam Elliott is so cute! Rats sorry to hear he is already married.

Keep on looking and ditch the boy friend who doesn't measure up.

TechnoBabe said...

This is sad but funny too. Well, you put humor in it but I can tell you are serious beneath the funny stuff.
Did you show this post to your boyfriend?

ladyfi said...

Hope you find a man. And that guy in the Walmart ad was a hoot!

Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

If said man is actually a real man then my advice would be to....hmmm maybe I'd better keep that opinion to myself!

Robynn sent us all over for a looksee!

I don t have much to add other than in the very early years of my marriage, I, after reaching my wifely limit with his childish/unwise behavior once put all my hubs personal effects in giant black trash bags and had them all piled up at the bottom of the steps waiting for him when he got home from work.

Long story short we eventually did work it out and we have celebrated our 28th anniversary not to long ago.

There are good men out there you just have to be diligent.


Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

Oh and Sam Elliot is an excellent choice!



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