Saturday, June 12, 2010
Lookin' for a man...
I'm in the market for a new man.
Aged between 45 and 75, fit, and able to do small necessary chores around the house.
Must be a self-starter.
Must be able to cook the occasional hot meal, without reminding me of it for the next 50 years, and must be able to at least clear his own dishes off the table without being asked.
Clearing mine off the table when I get sidetracked bathing a child with spaghetti from one end to the other, and who's also painting the walls with spaghetti sauce, is highly desirable.
Stacking dishes is acceptable... but a bonus will be given for actually washing the dishes.
(actual bonus negotiable)
Must not want to sit on his a** watching TV, (no matter how cute that a** may be) while I do end-of-the-day things like feed the cats, hang out the last 3 loads of laundry, wash the 20th sink-full of dishes for the day, and then take out the trash... after my having worked a very stressful 16 hour day or 24 hours a day for 6 days straight, and when I'm absolutely dead on my feet.
To the point where I actually fall over in the street, scraping my hands and knee and tearing a hole in my pants, while taking the 2 garbage bins to the curb.
Telling me what I missed on TV, while I'm feeding cats/doing laundry/ cooking/ or taking out the garbage bins and tripping on the curb and ripping my hand open, is absolutely forbidden and will result in instant termination and alienation of affection.
Giving me a blow-by-blow word-for-word rundown of the morning news, afternoon cooking shows or what Oprah said today, will also result in the applicant being terminated.
Pitching in to lend a hand without me having to ask 47 times, is an important attribute, and is highly desirable.
Not chasing off potential painters, by telling them that I can't really afford a painter, and that he will do it for me, is extremely important.
Actually doing the painting sometime within 3 years of chasing off the potential painter is also extremely important, because since the window sills are already sanded, (by myself, mind you) rot will set in some time in those 3 years, necessitating even more work and money to repair them.
Like $200 per window... times 7 windows BIG money.
Money I don't have.
Must be highly motivated to do what he says he will do, when he says he will do it.
Promising to help me out with some $$'s when I haven't yet been paid since taking holidays in April, and the bills are continually rolling in, is highly desirable.
However, the successful applicant must be willing and able to follow through on those promises.
Actions speak louder than words, so to speak.
Promising me for 4 long, stressful weeks to put money in my bank account because I'm getting 2nd notices on several bills... and then sitting back and eventually watching me put $912.78 worth of bills on my Master Card, because there is no money in said bank account, and the "many-times-promised" money was never actually forthcoming, will be severely frowned upon... and can and will result in instant dismissal - not to mention instant and irreconcilable waning of my affection.
As is forcing me to use a run-on sentences.
My affection just waned even more considerably there.
Wanting to charge me $50 for cutting my grass, when the professionals only charge me $35. is unacceptable.
Telling me that the professionals can't make a living charging those prices, is just ridiculous... and will not be tolerated.
Telling me "now that now that I'm retired, I actually work harder than when I worked for for the post office for 41 years years - and I never have a single, solitary minute to myself nowadays"... after having watched Oprah, Ready Steady Cook and Judge Judy all afternoon and then gone shopping for a cast iron skillet and another freakin' hat, will result in immediate dismissal, and no references will be given.
Preference will be given to a man who has an "open wallet" approach.
The sucessful applicant should understand that I will never unnecessarily take advantage of that attitude, and that I will repay every single penny as soon as humanly possible.
Even if it means going without food.
In ten years, I would expect that a man would know that about me.
Preference will be given to a man who owns his own home, who has worked for most of his life, has future goals and a can-do attitude, and who promises to deliver - and then actually delivers what he says he will.
Having a humorous, light-hearted attitude also helps.
Hmmm...I wonder if this guy is available?
(click to enlarge)