I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I've been so tired and stressed, that it's an overwhelming effort to even put one foot in front of the other.
My house needs cleaning... seriously. But I just figure that dusting is a waste of time, since it's back within a day or two... and to tell you the truth, I would rather conserve my (rather limited) energy for something more productive.
The problem is, I don't know what that is.
It's certainly not scrubbing the shower, or doing the dishes.
It's not doing yard work... and I can't even get excited about the tomatoes that are slowly beginning to ripen or the peppers that are now prolifically producing.
I look at all of it and just think "meh".
I do know what it stems from, (the house in California) but since that too is out of my control for the time being, I guess my only option is to have more faith, and work on having a bit more patience.
But I wonder if I even have it in me anymore to do either of those things.
I've finally - after a lot of thought and prayer - decided to just say "bye-bye" to the little house next door to my son - and go for the manufactured home on the kids property, option.
What I want, and what I can realistically afford are two vastly different things, and to be honest, I think I got so worked up and excited about the first option (buying the little house) that I just didn't look at the bigger picture.
Yeah, IF the bidding had come in low enough, it would have been a workable plan.
But since it didn't, I know that God was letting me know that this wasn't to be.
I just couldn't accept that at the time... and I wailed and railed against it for weeks.
But I've accepted it now, and it's now time to buck up and move on.
But that's easier said than done... you know?
I know that my son is working on things on his end.
And I know too, that with him working full-time and having a missus and 3 little boys to care for, in addition to doing all his necessary "stuff" as well, that he has bigger and better things to do than inform his overly needy Mama of every little detail, or phone call, or trip to the planning department for permits and such.
It's just that it's so hard to play this waiting game, and to not really know what's going on.
Last August, I took a giant leap of faith and quit my job in preparation for the eventual move, (though I'm still working part-time, privately) and I started in on tidying up this place, so that I could get it on the market.
At that point, I was figuring on being out of here by the beginning of the year, but y'all know how those plans turned out.
And with one thing after another seemingly falling through, it's getting harder and harder to maintain this place - let alone make improvements - with next to no $$'s coming in.
Will the manufactured home (if it all goes through) be ready by March?
It's the "not knowing" that getting me down.
Moving house is a major life-changing decision at the best of times, but to do it from this end, virtually blind and not really knowing what's going on on the other end... well, it's just damn hard - you know what I mean?
So s'cuse me, but I'm tired.... so I'm gonna go work on that "faith and patience" thing some more.