Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Just so tired...

I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I've been so tired and stressed, that it's an overwhelming effort to even put one foot in front of the other.

My house needs cleaning... seriously. But I just figure that dusting is a waste of time, since it's back within a day or two... and to tell you the truth, I would rather conserve my (rather limited) energy for something more productive.

The problem is, I don't know what that is.

It's certainly not scrubbing the shower, or doing the dishes.
It's not doing yard work... and I can't even get excited about the tomatoes that are slowly beginning to ripen or the peppers that are now prolifically producing.

I look at all of it and just think "meh".

I do know what it stems from, (the house in California) but since that too is out of my control for the time being, I guess my only option is to have more faith, and work on having a bit more patience.
But I wonder if I even have it in me anymore to do either of those things.

I've finally - after a lot of thought and prayer - decided to just say "bye-bye" to the little house next door to my son - and go for the manufactured home on the kids property, option.
What I want, and what I can realistically afford are two vastly different things, and to be honest, I think I got so worked up and excited about the first option (buying the little house) that I just didn't look at the bigger picture.
Yeah, IF the bidding had come in low enough, it would have been a workable plan.

But since it didn't, I know that God was letting me know that this wasn't to be.
I just couldn't accept that at the time... and I wailed and railed against it for weeks.
But I've accepted it now, and it's now time to buck up and move on.

But that's easier said than done... you know?

I know that my son is working on things on his end.
And I know too, that with him working full-time and having a missus and 3 little boys to care for, in addition to doing all his necessary "stuff" as well, that he has bigger and better things to do than inform his overly needy Mama of every little detail, or phone call, or trip to the planning department for permits and such.

It's just that it's so hard to play this waiting game, and to not really know what's going on.

Last August, I took a giant leap of faith and quit my job in preparation for the eventual move, (though I'm still working part-time, privately) and I started in on tidying up this place, so that I could get it on the market.
At that point, I was figuring on being out of here by the beginning of the year, but y'all know how those plans turned out.

And with one thing after another seemingly falling through, it's getting harder and harder to maintain this place - let alone make improvements - with next to no $$'s coming in.

Will the manufactured home (if it all goes through) be ready by March?
By April?
By June?
It's the "not knowing" that getting me down.

Moving house is a major life-changing decision at the best of times, but to do it from this end, virtually blind and not really knowing what's going on on the other end... well, it's just damn hard - you know what I mean?

So s'cuse me, but I'm tired.... so I'm gonna go work on that "faith and patience" thing some more.


Kathy said...

Hi Kate,
I'm sorry things haven't been moving along the way you want them too. Just keep praying and try to be patient because it will all work out for the best in the end. Once you start moving around and tidying things up around the house you might get some of your energy back. Keep the faith!! :)

Rita said...

I hope things turn around for you soon. It will all be ok. You know it will. It is the waiting that gets to you and not having your own place to nest in right now. You have felt in limbo to long. Just pack up what you can and think of little areas in your next home that you can use what you have in a unique way to make your next home "you." Take only the things you need and love and you'll feel your burden lift.
Take care.

Treehouse Chef said...

The key word is to TRUST! You can do that! I will pray for you to have more energy both mentally and physically. I am so very excited for you!!!!!!!!!

farmlady said...

Oh Kate, I know how frustrating this must be but please try to accept the fact that things will turn out the way they are suppose to. All this tiredness is mental worry. It can be debilitating. You will be back here soon. It will happen.
Let go of all the other stuff and concentrate on how happy you will be when you're here. Don't put a time frame on it.
Now, go clean up your home and get it ready to sell.
ONE DAY AT A TIME..... sweetie. You can do it.

Bz said...

Gosh ... wow.... won't be giving advice b/c you're dealing with all better than I could THINK about dealing in your shoes.
All I can think to say is to keep moving toward that end SLOWLY, but surely. Hey, if you're at least headed in the right direction, even if there are periods of s-l-o-w and being tired, you're still making SOME ground. Do take care of yourself and sleep without guilt as much as you need. A boost will come in time.

Terry said...

Howdy Kate
Oh sweetie I so understand about the whole life in limbo thing .
I'm still in limbo myself .
One thing that you gotta do is take care of yourself today for the tomorrows yet to come your way.
God has a good plan for you and in His time you will be able to have a renewed sense of energy as well as enthusiasm to take care of your part .Now as for the dust there will always be some dust in our lives but don't let it get so deep you get buried under it ! Try to fill your week with some lol moments as much as you can .
Hey lady you did say talk to you :)
Seriously take care of yourself .
Remember you are awesome !
If you need a laugh read my post before I remove it ,hubby might not find it is as funny as I did .
Hugs from Texas
Until next time
Happy Trails

Homestay Mama said...

Kate, I know exactly how you feel! I've been there. I, too, need to learn trust, faith and patience, but waiting is so hard to do! We want God to hurry, hurry, hurry! But Habakkuk 2:3 says he is not one day late.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."

Hugs, and Prayers,


Marjie said...

God, give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

Don't we all have those days?

This too shall pass, my friend. Just get your Australia house in order, and move when you can. I'm sure the family will be happy to take you in for a couple of weeks if your new house isn't quite ready. (Hey, Son & Wife could use a good reliable babysitter now and again, right?)

Kerry O'Gorman said...

Keep yer pecker up, as they say..change is always frustrating and takes a multitude of patience. I think the manufactured house on #1 son's land is a brilliant idea!

homegrown countrygirl said...

Hey, I've been visiting you for a little while now but never left a comment yet. Had to now, though, because the first thing that came in my mind was what I think you would tell someone else, if they were in your shoes. (You often write things here that help me keep my head straight.) So here's what I think you would tell someone else: Keep the faith. He has a plan for you. (You have no idea how much you have helped your readers as you share your own journey... thank you.) oxox.

homegrown countrygirl said...

Hello Tatersmama, yes, that was my blog you found!

Karen Deborah said...

argh that IS tough! Can you pick up some work doing something? You know if you head back to the states you could go visiting a few friends.....just sayin.


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