Dear Santa

Santa, I know that I'm a little late with sending you this letter, but since you know who's been naughty or nice, I'm pretty sure that you've been keeping a close on on my house... and surely you've got an inkling of what's been going on around here lately.
It's been a madhouse, and the school holidays haven't even started yet, so I'm pretty sure you can guess what it will be like around here starting next week.
So hence... the lateness in getting this to you.
Better late than never, I always say.

First of all, I want to thank you for taking my phone call the other day, when little "J" was acting like an addle-pated banshee.
One simple phone call to you, had the kid smarten right up... and he even helped pick up the toys strewn all over the lounge room without being asked twice - or even thrice. (which is usual for him, as you well know)
You're a life-saver, so thank you for reminding me to put your phone number on speed dial.
I'm sure I'll be making use of it again, in the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, here's my wish list for Christmas...
(in no particular order - and as usual, I don't want everything listed... but it will at least give you some ideas for my one, lone gift... eh?)

1. Replacement cushions for the outdoor lounge suite. (five are needed, and anything that will semi-match the patio chairs would be fine. I'm not fussy.)
   
   
2. Pruning shears for the garden. I know I have some new ones somewhere, but I can't remember where I left them. I hate to be picky, but can you make sure that they're expensive, rubber coated handled ones? I blister easily.
   
   
3. A tooth implant. I'm pretty sure that I broke another back molar on Rubies darn chocolate coated coffee beans, and although I don't mind missing one back tooth, missing two is out of the question.
   
   
4. A "No Junk Mail" sticker for my mailbox. I hate junk mail, but I suspect that one of my "I don't get the advertising papers at my house" friends yanked my last sticker off.
   
   
5. A curtain rod for the patio window. Anything is fine. As long as it holds the ugly curtains that the Old Guy gave me, I'll be happy.
   
   
6. Some of that Age-Reversal face cream. You know, the stuff that makes your face instantly look like a baby's bum... instead of a wino's arse? A 44 gallon drum of it, please.
   
   
7. 2 new cat-litter trays with 'odor-control" hoods. The darn cats peed in the last ones, and they need replacing.
   
   
8. A gift voucher for "Sue, the Hairdresser". I need a color job bad, because I'm starting to be mistaken for Mrs. Claus, and I think a brighter, more youthful color, (rather than the gray) will kind of take the focus off my 'bowl-full-of-jelly" belly. That's my theory, anyway. No offense intended, but it might do wonders for your image as well.
   
   
9. Laundry baskets. Like maybe half a dozen? They come in real handy for throwing junk in, when unexpected guests arrive. On second thought... make it an 'even dozen', please.
   
   
10. Patience. Never-ending patience would be nice, but any amount will do.
    
    
11. A lawnmower. Preferably an ex-male-dancer one.
    
    
12. Shelving for the the shed. To store 100 toilet paper rolls from Costco, and the like.
    
    
13. That wall plaster stuff for putting up walls in the shed, so that it can be turned into a combination storage and guest sleeping area. And then I'll need attractive paint as well, so that people will want to sleep in my converted garden shed.
    
    
14. A bicycle. Preferably a lovely old blue Schwinn like I had when I was a kid. You know the one... with wide fenders, a fat seat, and a basket on the front. Bell optional. I want to relive my youth, before I get too stiff. I think they call them beach bikes now, but I'm not sure. Just check your old records... from about 1962-64, I think.
    
    
15. Ice skates. So that I can con Miz K into going ice skating with me when we go to Costco. I used to be good and I coulda been a contender, but nowadays, maybe something with training blades would be a good. (do they make those?)
    
    
16. Books. Now this one is easy. Basically, anything with words printed on a page is excellent. (except training manuals, please) Something where I can close my eyes (figuratively speaking of course, or I wouldn't be able to read, now would I?) and be transported into another world. Preferably this world, as sci-fi doesn't do too much for me.
    
    
17. One of those fancy new, big, skinny arse tv's that get all the channels. I know... I already have a tv that works just fine and I'm quite happy to get up to change channels, since one of the kids flushed my remote, but I'm just adding this in, in case you don't have any of my other requests in stock.
    
    
18. Sheets for my bed. At least 2 sets please, so I don't have to wash, dry and put the same ones back on the bed again. And please, no sports printed ones. I made the mistake of telling the Old Guy that I found the red-striped baseball sheets at JC Penny's, adorable. And they are... but just not on my bed.
    
    
19. Placemats for the patio table (semi-matching the current or new cushions - and preferably in plastic, for ease of wiping.)
    

Okay, I know that the list is rather long this year, but I'm just giving you options, okay? If none of the above items are available, I'm quite happy with my usual stand-by of

"Peace on Earth, and Goodwill towards all mankind".

In fact, please disregard the entire list, and just give me that last one.

It's easier to share with others.