Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I want to get married...

It's true. I do.
Not only do I want to say "I do"... I want the Old Guy to say "I do" too.

Now I don't want to get married for your traditional reasons of loving somebody so much that living apart from them is pure H-E-Double Toothpicks.
Heck no.
I just like the idea of the Old Guy being, or rather feeling morally obligated to lift his hand to a few chores around here.

And if we were married and living together, he would want to do stuff to make our little love-nest lovely.
Wouldn't he?

He would do stuff like mow the lawn on a little more regular - rather than annual - basis, and I could bring him cool and refreshing drinks, while he wiped the honest sweat off his brow.
And he wouldn't charge me.

He could do manly, fun screwdriver-y things like replace the bloody screw that he removed (a year ago) from the shower head holder (for no good reason, mind you. He just did it because he could)... which means I now have to point the shower head at a weird-arse angle, to keep water from going in the empty screw hole and ruining my walls and I have to wash my hair at a neck-breaking 45 degree angle while water runs up my nose...

If we were married, maybe he would want to change a light bulb without me naggin' and raggin' on him for fourteen weeks and then the only reason he would finally change it was because maybe I tripped in the dark and ended up with compound fractures of 75% of my bones and the paramedics couldn't see what they were doing - so they'll ask him to put a new bulb in.
Which he would do.
In a very manly, "puffing out of the chest" I'm the man of this house kind of way.

If we were married, he would want to carry that 100 pound bag of potting soil that's been sitting in the patio for 2 years, half way down the yard for me, so all I would need to do is split it open and start tossing dirt...
I could be making us a lovely little garden, where we could grow all our own tasty, home grown fruits and veggies, with the 832 seed packets I've collected... and sticking it up the yahootie of the darn Coles/ Safeway rotten vegetables supplying duopoly at the same time.

He would do a little more than just sweep and rake up the millions of dead leaves in the patio, leaving them laying in a 40 foot pile, looking like Mt Kilimanjaro just waiting to be scaled... and then prance around and preen, and sigh mightily, expecting a medal for all his hard work.
If we were married, he would put them in the garden where they belong and dig them in for me.
Wouldn't he?

See, what's got me on a tear longing for matrimony, is that 22 months ago,
( just in case you're not aware, 22 months is 2 months short of 24 months. Which is 2 years. Go check your calender, and you'll see that I'm right)
he talked me in to buying 12 huge red-gum sleepers (railway ties) that would be ideal for the raised garden bed I've been dreaming of.
The cute little (okay, not so little) raised bed that would have a little fence at the back, which would block out the light from the back neighbors spot light.
Which is left on 24 hours a day and that shines directly in my bedroom window at night.
Oh, and I could grow stuff there, as well.

We hauled those sleepers all the way down the back and placed them in the approximate position of the future garden bed.
Where they still lie.
Covered in weeds and grass.

The only reason I know that they're still there, is that I called a wonderful man named Glen the other day, who does stuff like this for a living. And he does it beautifully.
Glen simply came out, scraped 22 months of growth off, and said:
"Wow, this will be really easy. It will only take me an hour and a couple of coach bolts - and it will cost you next to nothing.
But I would have thought that the Old Guy would have already done it for you. Has the poor old bugger been sick?"

No Glen, it's just that he has to wash his towels.

Yes folks. It's true. That's his excuse.

"I'll be over shortly. I just need to get this load of towels out of the washer."

"I can't do anything right now. I need to wash my towels."

"How many towels do you wash at a time? I can only fit 6 in my washer, so it takes me all day. And then I need to dry them by tossing them over things in the living room and firing up the wood stove."

See, if we were married and living together under one roof, I could wash his towels for him... freeing him up to do the myriad of little chores around here that he's been promising to do for the last five years.
It would be a win-win situation.
Wouldn't it?

On second thoughts, I don't want to get married.

I want a divorce.

I wonder if Glen is single?


Marjie said...

Well, if Glen's not single, wouldn't he want to be? And for the record, my Old Guy does all the laundry hereabouts, bitches like there's no tomorrow when I toss sheets in the basket, even moreso when I send in the towels, and dispatches our sons to do my bidding. I call it even.

Jackie said...

Nope marriage isnt going to improve things lol. It took my DH two and a half years to put the new front door on. Oh wait a minute he didnt the handyman did. lol. He did build the veggie garden, he couldnt use doing the washing as an excuse as he doesnt know how to use the washing machine we have only had that for about six years . Glen sounds like a wonderful prospect lol.

Neas Nuttiness said...

Maybe you could just get engaged...and then he could go and get some Crisco for ya!

Jan Mader said...

Oh've done it again.

You just need to get your blog published, get rich, hire Glen, do whatever you want with the Old Guy and....

live happily ever after...married OR single!

Fruitcake Sandy said...

Oh, if only I had some sage advice for your 'predicament' ... you'd think after almost 44 years I would have something smart and/or funny. I will say two 'unfunny' but true things about marriage. HUMOR is a must (and you HAVE that going for ya!) and the second (and the most important/hardest thing) you cannot change anyone but yourself. See ... much too serious for this forum. Soooo ... hire Glen, send your laundry over to the Old Guy, make your veggie pizza and curl up with a good book :>)

Sherri said...

Whewww you scared me girl! The whole time I was reading this I was thinking Damn Katie you know as well as I do that if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself! I've been happily unmarried to Miguel for almost 20 yrs and have 3 beautiful kids to prove it. :)

Bz said...

You crack me up. I started thinking about how the (yummy!) pizza was called sissy sh*t... (I'm probably hard to live with, but...) I think I might say, hey, if you don't like it, don't eat it or fix something yourself with your own food fixings.
You gotta remember... yeah, you may be close in age, but I'm telling you -from what I could see, he's robbing the cradle and that makes a man feel young. I'd up the ante.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Uh, yeah, sure Katie, marriage fixes all that. I'll be sure to send that memo to my DH who OBVIOUSLY didn't get it. I'd give you my to-do list but I think I'd break the legal commenting limit!

Bz said...

p.s.(regarding your comment).. You are TOO sweet. Thank you.
Now off to bed.

Narelle Nettelbeck said...

if i want something done around our house, the rule is (and we have been married only 12 years).....


Gramma 2 Many said...

Stay single. I think even if you were married, the shower head would remain the same and he would NEVER go buy Crisco for you.
You are much better off single. When you are tired of him, you can send him home to wash his towels.

Homestay Mama said...

You crack me up! Does the Old Guy read your blog? I'll bet after he sees all our comments, he'll bring his towels to your house for you to wash and start tackling all those unfinished jobs! If he doesn't I'll be disappointed! ;-)

rubiesrnotpurple said...

Oh my! I think your Old Guy and my Yo are the same person.

I end up paying to get the job done and then he says "How much? I woulda done it if you just asked. Now why have you only got grain bread? You know I hate grain bread?"

After 16 years, he still hasn't got the hint. I buy it so he won't feel welcome.

LOL! ... at least he doesn't live here.

Kathy said...

I was going to try to say something witty here but after reading all the other posts I just have this to say. THEY ARE ALL ALIKE!!!! MARRIED OR NOT!!!!

Anonymous said...

Love it! I'm married and none of those jobs get done without me nagging... So not sure if matrimony really works! ;-)

Paula said...

You know marriage doesn't change a man right? lol He will probably be worse on all the things you want done.

but on the flip side you get presents for getting married and I love to get presents...I am sure you could use some new towels and kitchen stuff by now?

Treehouse Chef said...

Taking care of a home is so much work! I applaud you for doing it all by yourself!!! Maybe the old guy will read your blog and bring his towels over for you to wash while he does some handyman work.

Becky said...

Boy, oh boy! That was sure a mind blowing headline! I thought to myself, has she lost her mind. Thank God, no, she still has her wits about her! If you want it done right either do it yourself or hire someone. Is Glen cute??

The Blonde Duck said...

LOL. Just hire Glen!

Pam said...

There has been a shelf waiting to be put up in my utility room. It has been waiting for so long, that we lost the shelf brackets. I finally found one of them in the garage. Now, he says he can't hang it until we find the other bracket.

bringing up boys said...

letting you know that 15 years later, I am still waiting for those little things to get done. Luckily, I have been blessed with three amazing boys who are starting to be useful in those areas. Gramma 2 many is my mommy, she said it never gets better. I Think that is because she is tired of hearing the same old gripe about mine.

Anita said...

That us too funny- and to quote my mother - If you buy hamburger, that's what you've got. Don't bitch it's not steak- cause you settled for hamburger....And in my marriage (now ended :) I found out that he DIDN'T want to do those things. So I compromised for awhile ( like a bun upgrade for your burger) and just hired a handyman to do what needed to be done. And then I decided, I really did have a hankering for steak and since then, we'll I'm single- though Ross and I have been together 5 years. Marry him? Ohhh, somedays I thnk about it. And then I think I just really want the diamond ring. So I buy these huge fake ones and I'm ok.

Reddirt Woman said...

I was reading through some of the wonderful comments you got on this post and was thinking what in the world could I say to enrich this wonderful dialogue going on here...

Then I saw the word verification word and knew I had to say something just so I could say how ironic...

W.V. is trapd ... and that is what a lot of people feel when they do get married.

Why buy the beef when you've got the old bull washing his towels...

That made no sense... it must be the pain meds for the ribs.



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