The Wedding is off...

Honey? I've decided.

What? What have you decided?

I've decided that I don't want to get married.

What? What are you talking about?

I've decided that I don't want to marry you, after all.

WHAT? Who said anything about us getting married?

I know baby... but see, I've been talking to my blogging friends, and I've decided that marriage isn't for me. I don't want to marry you.

What are you on about woman? I don't want to marry you either, so where did you get that idea?

You don't want to marry me? What are you saying? You don't want to marry me?
Give me three good reasons why you wouldn't want to marry me! Men would kill to marry me, I'm telling you!

Well, for one thing, I like being on my own.

What do you mean that you like being on your own? Don't you like being with me? What's wrong with me, that you don't want to spend time with me? Why wouldn't you want to live with me? Don't you like being with me??

Yes I do, but....

But what?

Well, you can get some weird ideas sometimes and I never know what to think...

I get weird ideas? What about you and your towel washing obsessions? At least I don't have laundry obsessions!
But that's only one reason, what are the other two reasons that you don't want to marry me?
C'mon big boy... spit it out.

Well... you can nag a bit.

ME? Nag? You've got to be joking! If I ask you something and you don't listen, I have to repeat myself 100 times. And it still doesn't get done. That's not called nagging - that's just called reminding you! I wouldn't have to call handy men in to do the work that you should be doing, if you would just do what you promised you would do!! If you would just do as I ask, I wouldn't need to keep repeating myself. Or nagging, as you so nastily put it.

See, that's it. You bought this house and then you expect me to come in and do all the chores that you don't want to do.

WHAT? For your information, I work for a living and it's bloody hard to get time to do anything that needs to be done around here! How dare you! You would think that if you really loved me, you would want to take some of the burden off me! You would want to make me happy!
You're retired... and what do you do with your precious free time, I would like to know? Wash towels?
You've been telling me for two years that you want to go fishing... but do you ever get off your lazy ass and do anything about it? No... you sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. You lay in bed and look at boat brochures, but do you ever go out and buy another boat? No... that would be too much like work for you, wouldn't it? And with the fishing? You're so lazy, that I'll bet that if they made pre-baited hooks, you would be all over them, like ducks on a June-bug!

Calm down, babe. Besides, what's wrong with not wanting to get married?

Calm DOWN? How dare you! I am calm. Or at least as calm as I can be, after being informed that you don't love me enough to marry me!

Babe, I do love you enough to marry you. I just don't want to get married. I swear, if I wanted to get married, you would be the only woman that I would want to be married to.

What do you mean by that? So you're saying that you have other women, but I'm the only one you would want to marry? Who are these other women? Here I thought you were home washing towels all day, and I find out that you've been running around with other women?

Woman, what are you talking about? Who said anything about other women?

YOU did, you ungrateful, lazy, single and liking it, man you. Like I would want to marry you in the first place!!! HA!
Well, I'm here to tell you that I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth! If the continuation of our species depended on you and I getting married, mankind would just have to become extinct! I wouldn't marry you if you came gift wrapped!
But... that's only TWO reasons why you don't want to marry me.
Whats' the other reason? Come on.. let's hear another lame excuse for not wanting to marry me!
Just say it!

Well... you do fly off the handle a bit.

I fly off the handle? What are you, nuts? I do NOT fly off the handle. You tell me you don't want to marry me because you have other women, who don't nag you or expect anything of you other than to sit around looking like a room decoration, and you're putting the blame on me???
That's it. Go home.
And I hope you find mooshy spider parts on one of your precious towels, after you've dried yourself.

It's official.
We're not getting married.

The jerk.
Can you believe how he can carry on?