Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I don't know who I am anymore

Forgive the rambling... I'm not going to edit, proofread, spellcheck or even look at what I'm writing. I'm just gonna talk and let the words flow. If they make sense, that's a good thing I guess and if they don't, well at least it will be cathartic for me to get them down on paper (as it were) and get the words and the feelings off my chest.

I woke up at 4 am this morning and went outside to gaze at the morning sky with my oldest, dearest cat Jazzy. My poor sweet Jazzy has sore ears... because she's an all white cat and the sun does a real number on her poor delicate little ears every year.

Anyway, I found myself telling her, ( yes, I talk to all my cats. Don't you?) that now that we're almost in winter, things will be cooler and her ears will feel better. And then I caught myself. I'm in Australia now and we're coming into summer here... not winter.

See, I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. I don't know if I'm Arthur or Martha. I don't know if it's just because I'm incredibly homesick and missing the whole Thanksgiving / Christmas season back home and everyone who is a part of it, or if it's because I'm just not as adaptable as I thought I was.

I've been here for 13 years and I've settled into my new life. I have a job I love, I'm in the process of buying a house that I love and I have a lot of dear friends. But I don't feel the "the fit" anymore. Did I ever really feel "the fit"? Or did I just convince myself that I could make a new life here, far away from everyone and everything that I hold near and dear? Have I been faking it for all these years?

I just dunno.

Don't get me wrong. I love Australia, I really do. It's not that at all.. it's more a feeling that Australia doesn't love me in return. I've tried and I've tried but no matter what I do, it will never be "home" to me. My heart hasn't been touched and I have the feeling that it never will be.

I miss the sights and sounds and smells of living in a small town. I miss my family more than I can say. And it just feels so wrong that I'm here and they are there ... when we should be together. I came here thinking that life was short and that you need to live your dreams while you have the chance. Well, I did that. At least one of my dreams anyway. But life is short and I'm missing out on too much that really matters to me.

I just want to go home.


Anonymous said...

It sounds like it's been a while since you visited home. Maybe it's calling you back for a visit.

I don't know. We've never met, so I surely am not one to give advice. All I know is that you sound a bit sad and homesick, and I sure wish I could say something helpful.

Isn't that the strange thing about the "blogosphere?" You wander up on these new friends you never would have met otherwise, and you find yourself suddenly caring about what they're going through and how they're doing. It's amazing when you really think about it.

I'm glad you put your feelings down "on paper," so to speak. And I hope peace finds you, my new friend. :)

Out Back said...

God bless you Tatersmama. You are having a hard time of it lately.

The longing for home is too strong. I guess if you went home right now, you wouldn't come back to Australia. Your heart and head are not here anymore.

Of course you are correct in saying about only living once and getting it right. You need to make the right choice for you, and "If mama ain't happy, aint nobody happy!"

Looks as though you have a lot of thinking to do. Good luck with your decision. It's too hard to live with regrets.

I am thinking of you my friend,


Narelle Nettelbeck said...

You know, I was just hunting for your email address so I could check up on you - just felt in my heart to see if you were ok.

I'm so sorry your heart is aching for home. It sounds like you did follow a dream by moving to Oz and that's a good thing. I also think it's ok if our dreams aren't quite the reality we hoped for.

I know the aussie dollar is hopeless at the moment but is going home an option at all?

Thinking of you. You still have my phone number so feel free to use it if you need to.

Love and hugs

Tatersmama said...

Tatertales and Out Back,
You know, I just dawned on me what my problem is. Here I am sitting in Oz, and summertime is coming, but it's only 9 degrees outside and it's raining cats and dogs. This is CA winter weather... so of course, I'm missing California. If it would just warm up a bit and the sun would shine, it would make everything all better and I wouldn't feel like I was torn.
I just have to hang in there, because I KNOW things will get better.

Thank goodness for friends...so *hugs* to you both.

Tatersmama said...

Narelle, I might just give you a call a little later.
I'm doing okay. Really. I'm just a little down right now, but I'm still tryin' to smile for the sake of these kids. :o)
I WILL survive !

Angelena said...

I hope you feel better soon. I have always wanted to visit Oz. Maybe it is just the weather you are missing maybe the snow in wintertime?? Anywho- I hope you feel better soon.

I have just found your blog and am looking forward to reading your back posts.

The W.O.W. factor said...

Oh Taters..I HEAR you loud and clear!! Cowboy and I have had this discussion so many times over our years! Just the other nite in fact! We have always, always followed our dreams...moved to our dreams...and dreams continue to change! We lived in AZ for 5+ years until the heartache of wanting to be "home" was more than we could deal with. We never felt like we "belonged" in Az. We couldn't force it to happen,altho we tried! The weather was wonderful! (I do miss that!)
The other nite, we discussed moving again..to downsize, not be so far out of touch of our loved ones, yes even back home in WA, we are too far away! Then we remembered what we promised ourselves moving here...our next dream, we would VISIT~not MOVE to! We too are around your age, and with one shot at this lifetime we thought we needed to follow ALL of our dreams, no matter where!
But I'm tired of moving, tired of starting over...I just want to be comfortable enough to visit those we love and care for whenever we choose!
With the Holidays upon us, it's always a hard time for me! We don't live next door, or even in the next city from our families. They don't like our remoteness, never have, so they don't come here and we've never afforded to go there! (I'm not talking about our kids...they CAN afford and they do visit when they can, even living in other states! but we can't afford to go to their homes!)
Sometimes...following dreams suck!

Oh my heart goes out to you!

The Old Dairy said...

May-be you need to follow your dreams again and go back for Christmas.
If thats not an option you could come here as my Mum wants a white Christmas, log fire and eggnog, personly I think shes been watching to much T.V.
but hey the invites there. now just gotta work out how to make me some snow......

Nancy M. said...

You do sound kinda homesick. I don't know if I could ever make as big a move as you. Heck, I think if I lived somewhere besides the south I wouldn't fit in either. I'll bet Australia is beautiful!

Sooziebelle said...

Are you feeling better now? I am sorry to be a day late and a dollar short in my response, but I do not think I visited here yesterday.

One thing I have learned about homesickness in the 6 years that I have been in Australia is that it comes and goes, or ebbs and flows, like waves, like the tide ... like the weather. Sometimes it just sneaks up on ya like a rogue wave and catches ya broadside. Those days are the worst. Other times, it can be "smooth sailing" for weeks, even months!

I am so sorry you have been bummin'. I think the Christmas season can make every feeling, from happiness and joy, to sadness, that much more intense.

I felt a pang of sadness at your plaintive title for this post. It's a terrible feeling when you don't know who you are, or feel out of sorts with the world.

I will close this by saying, on the days that you don't know who you are, you can count on me because I always know who you are. You are my friend.




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