Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Intruder alert

I had a heart attack / intruder alert this morning.

I was sitting on the computer this morning at 5am, happily drinking a cup of coffee and reading blogs, when I heard the door squeak in the laundry room.

Now, the laundry room is in the back of the house, and just inside the back door. This is the door that from the moment I get up in the morning, until the last thing at night, is always unlocked and usually open.

At first, I thought my young part-time permanent care lad had gotten up to go to the toilet... and my heart leapt in joy at the thought of no more night time nappies (diapers), but when I glanced down the hallway, I saw that his door was still firmly closed. Uh oh.

Then I heard the door squeak again, but this time there was some thudding going on as well.

So I did what any self-respecting woman would do.

I grabbed the rubber spatula out of the dish drainer and snuck off down the dark hallway.

I mean, if there's a balaclava wearing, machete wielding intruder in MY house, I'm certainly not going to turn the light on so that he can see me better and aim for my jugular vein, am I?

Let him take a few non-lethal, "I can't see in the dark either" swipes first, so that I can judge the best time to smack him with my rubber spatula and put him out of commission...right?

So as I round the corner into the laundry room, 2 of my big cats jumped down off the washing machine and they went barreling off, skittering sideways, into the hallway... like the hounds of hell were after them.

It scared the bejeebers out of me, because these are brave cats and they only act like that when they are sh** scared of a Doberman or something.

So someone IS here and they're hiding in the toilet waiting to wield that machete!

With that... the door to the toilet squeaked again, something thumped again, and I knew it was Do or Die time...

So rubber spatula in hand, I tried to fling the toilet door open, but I met resistance!

Oh S**T Oh S**T !! He's IN there!! Someone is in my toilet waiting to murder me!!

Do I call 000 (911) and let him hear me, so that he knows he has approximately 56 minutes to kill me and still have time left over to steal my TV and snow globe collection, before the police respond, or do I just go for it, and teach the arsehole a very valuable lesson?

I decided to teach him a lesson he would never forget. I'll teach HIM not to mess with an abscessed-tooth-crazed, high on Metamucil and antibiotics menopausal woman. Enough is ENOUGH, and it's time to stand up and take charge!

So... grasping the rubber spatula just a little more firmly, I reached out and flung the door open again, screaming YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAHHH, don't mess with ME, you scurvy bastard!!!! And THIS is what I found...


Did you know that if you scare a kitten bad enough... by screaming and whizzing a rubber spatula right in front of his face, little poops shoot out his back end?

It's true.
They do.


Paula said...

Oh. Good. Lord!!! My heart was racing and pounding! Picture me the entire time saying call 911, call 911! Don't go down there! It's just like the movies ... why does the victim always go LOOK down the DARK hallway? Ahem. Anyway. Uh. In this instance, however, I'm glad that you only had to deal with a ... a ... a poop-shooter. Poor kitty. Is it one of yours or a visitor?

Tatersmama said...

Paula, Unfortunately, the little poop shooter is mine.
That's Baby Bear, and he's been relegated to the back yard until I'm in a better mood. They ALL have!
The toilet door has an automatic spring on it, so he pushed in easily enough, but then just couldn't find a way to get back out.
He shredded my Kleenex 2-ply too.

Bz said...

Haaaaa! :-)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT a laugh I needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Be it at YOUR expense, but OH so funny! Guess your heart was jump started for the day! Poooor cute kitty!

Neas Nuttiness said...

A spatula...a rubber spatula? You mean like the kind of spatula that you use to scoop Crisco out of the can with?
Katie Tatie, tsk, tsk, tsk (said while! s*l*o*w*l*y shaking my head, cause if I shake it quickly, I'll fall down - which is actually pretty hard to do now that I think of it, cause I'm sitting in my recliner chair...but I digress), don't you know that you're suppose to use a wooden spoon to knock the ever lov'n snot out of mad intruder? A rubber spatula? I'll say it again...tsk, tsk, tsk

Muddy Boot Dreams said...

Oh my GOSH! OH my oh my oh my.

That was so good, especially the end. Oh my.

I am sending it over to some friends right now.

Glad to hear that you are fine, of course, but next time, take a bigger weapon.


Sooziebelle said...

Another CAT-astrophe avoided!!!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to the toilet!

Anita said...

I am new to your blog and I just have to tell you that you made my day LOL.
Poor you and kitty cat.:-)

Anonymous said...

I know if you scare puppies, poop squirts out of them too!

Robynn's Ravings said...

I will never sneak up on you now that I know how well armed you are. And if I do lose my mind and decide to take the chance, I'll bring a bowl of cake batter and let you go to town on that. When you're done we'll bake it and talk about the nice change of food we're having. I'll even put a face on the cake...just for you.

And I've heard of Salad Shooters but not Poop Shooters. Guess they didn't catch on as much.


Anonymous said...

A spatula? What a riot! But I guess you gotta use whatever you can grab as fast as you can grab it. I'm glad it was only a kitten!

Sherri said...

hahahaha how funny! I would of done the same thing..but, I would of grabbed my Manzanita Cane my Pops made (that's some hard wood) and clubbed them to death, or died trying...hahaha

SassyDog said...

Poor Kitty! Good thing you didn't have what I found under my daughter's mattress today. An axe! I was wondering where it went. I hate it when I hear a scary,creepy noise. I had been picking up her clothes to wash while she was at work in case you wondered what I was doing, the handle was sticking out from the side.

Narelle Nettelbeck said...

Thanks for the laugh Kate - although I'm sure it wasn't very funny at the time.

These moments always make for good blog material though don't they!!

Denise said...

Oh my goodness!!! I was scared reading this...I thought I hope no one is there. I get paranoid of any noise in the house at night!!! LOL Got to love cats!!! I started laughing when I saw the picture. I am glad it was no boogy man coming for you!!!

Kurichan said...


Once again, woman---you crack me up!!!!!!!!


Glad it was only a poop-shooting kitty!

Pam said...

Well, I hope no crazy maniacs are actually reading your blog. Because then they know the best you can do is a rubber spatula!!

rubiesrnotpurple said...

I'm sorry Katie but I've reported you to the RSPCA (Really Scary Person Causing Alarm) and all the cats have been warned.

I shouldn't laugh - I've been in similar situations more than once.

The Wife said...

ROTFL!!! In all my years of law enforcement and defensive tactics training, I never knew a spatula was a weapon! Haha!

The Blonde Duck said...

LOL! You literally scared the ---- out of him!

Katidids said...

Just found your blog! This is a hoot, but hon a spatula?? LOL

Marjie said...

I'd have gone after it, but with a stick. Your story was hilarious!

And that's why I don't get up at 5AM. There are too many long legged things that go bump in the dark.

Nancy M. said...

I am so glad it was that instead of a person! You are so brave with your rubber spatula. You go girl!

Homestay Mama said...

Brave Lady Wields Slayer Spatula: Traps Trembling Thief in Toilet!


farmergalsmarket said...

Hah!!! A rubber spatula? Hee, hee, hee... You crack me up, lady! That's just too funny. Wish I was a mouse in the corner for that one!

Neabear said...

Oh my. I am getting one laugh afer another catching up with you today. My stomach is going to be so sore from laughing so much. But I can't take a break I have to finish catching up. So on with the sore stomach.


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