Sunday, April 12, 2009

Confession Time

My problem with people ( especially men people) adulterating my cooking with ketchup, or criticizing my cooking, goes waaaay back.

Back to when I was married to "he who shall remain nameless".

See, years and years ago, I somehow managed to get an entire day off work from both the jobs I was working .
So, since I had all day in front of me, I decided to go all out and prepare a lovely 7-course Chinese meal for my family.
I spent all day cooking and preparing and man 'o man... was I proud of what I had turned out!

Now "nameless", used to work the afternoon shift...but most nights, he would drive the patrol car home for dinner. By the time he had arrived for dinner that night, the kids and I were starving, so they sat down to their meal, while I made up a plate for my husband.

Well, he must have had a bad afternoon at work, (or maybe he hadn't, because he was just an arsehole all of the time and it was extremely hard to tell)... because he took one look at that plate and started raving about how a real man needs meat and potatoes... not that fancy schmancy Chinese stuff !!!

Meat! I tell you, I need Meat! I pay for the &%@ing groceries around here... and I expect meat on my plate!
Okay, ars... ermmmm... honey. I'll fix you something else instead.

Now, we used to have dogs. Big dogs. And when we bought canned dog food, we used to buy it by the case.

So I headed into the kitchen, pulled a can of this off the shelf,





Did this to it :


Dipped it in egg and flour, added a little salt and pepper, and turned it into this:



Which I then presented to him on a fine china plate with a side of canned potatoes. Because nothing but nothing, was too good for my sweet little "he shall remain nameless".

Here's a photo of him....

(Well, this isn't really him, because this cop is eating a donut and he has hair on his head, while my nameless was bald as an egg and he was eating burgers.)

But you get the gist of the table manners... right?

Anyway, arsehole ate everything on his plate... asked for more... undid the top button on his pants, because he was stuffed like a Christmas Goose... farted a couple of times and then told me
"Now that's what I expect to see on the table every week, from now on."

And let me tell you, he well and truly got what he asked for.


And the Old Guy wonders why I get so touchy when what I cook isn't good enough as it is...and he has to smother it in ketchup?
I would like to shove that ketchup bottle where the sun doesn't shine!

I have issues.
Oh my yes... I have issues.



36 comments:

rubiesrnotpurple said...

Yoyo likes a little chicken with his salt ... no vegies - they're for critters and fat people. Er honey, have you looked in the mirror lately?

I was married to a pastry chef who worked as a chef - that cured me of ever wanting to cook again.

This post resonated with me my friend ... been there, haven't quite done that. Made me cry, made me laugh, made me cheer "You Rock Mama!"

Neas Nuttiness said...

So did you fry the patties is Crisco?

Nancy M. said...

I was already laughing at the other post! This one almost killed me, lol! I can't believe he loved it and wanted more. Men, can't live with them, can't kill them.

Country Whispers said...

Oh my!
I couldn't have pulled that off with out laughing the whole time he was eating it:)
I love reading your posts. I never know if I'm gonna laugh or cry from laughing so hard.

joolzmac said...

Tatersmama

You is one bitter woman! But, oh, so funny! You go girl!

-Joolz

Paula said...

You did not???? I mean come on fess up...you did not? Because if that is true, the lord will truly look you in the eye as you cross the gates of heaven and say to you, " That day you gave the man the dog food was a very good frugal living day." You obeyed my laws and you made my day, thank you.

lol

Jackie said...

I tell you this made me laugh lol. Good on you, sounds like he deserved it. Love your attitude rofl.

Tatersmama said...

Rubies, Who are you tellin' to look in the mirror? Me or YoYo? LOL!
'course I rock... I owe it all to girlfriends! ;-)
~~~~
Libby, How did you KNOW? Remind me to tall you what I found in the grocery store yesterday!!!
~~~
Nancy, It's a pity that... isn't it? ;-) I swear... the man must have eaten 3 or 4 and still wanted more!!
~~~
Country Whispers, I had to keep leaving the room, because I couldn't keep a straight face!
See? even dog food tastes yummy when you drown it in ketchup!
~~~
Joolz, Ummm.... "blushing" And guess who made me that way! Ya know, I prefer to think of myself as just ermmm... frugal... rather than bitter! ;-)
~~~
Paula, Okay I can not tell a lie... I DID TOO feed him dog food!
And reading your comment had me spitting coffee everywhere!
ROFLMAO!

Sherri said...

The first time my ex told me, that's not how my mom makes that! I grabbed his plate and threw it in the trash (plate and all) Miguel has never said anything like that. He either likes my cooking or know's to keep his mouth shut ;)

Homestay Mama said...

Katie, this post reminds me of an incident that happened to my missionary friends, Larry and Helen. As a rule, missionaries live quite frugally. One evening Helen opened a can of 'meat,' from the missionary barrell, made gravy for it and served it to Larry over a plate of rice. He complimented her on the meal, but said it tasted a tad bit like dog food. She didn't believe him until she dug the can out of the garbage--and sure enough! They both had a good laugh over it, but the long term effect, Larry joked, was that every time he passed a fire hydrant after that, his left leg would lift involuntarily! LOL

Rosehaven Cottage said...

I'm so glad you came over to Rosehaven Cottage so I could come over and discover your wonderful blog... particularly this hilarious post! I'm SO glad you had the nerve to do what you did. If it barks like a dog, then it must be a dog.

Cindy

rubiesrnotpurple said...

Whoops *blushing profusely*
I'm telling Yoyo to go look in the mirror! Never you farnie - you're gorgeous just the way you are.

My word is anact. Hmmm!

Robynn's Ravings said...

You did not?!! I LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU!

And WHY didn't I ever think of this with my first husband when one night, he grabbed my baked pork chops with BBQ sauce, and threw them crashing against the wall, pan and all, because dinner was 15 minutes late? I cleaned sauce off of the ceiling and cabinets for a week. Oh, why oh why oh WHY?! I can't believe you could keep a straight face and pull it off!!! Sometimes, people get what they deserve. He got dog food and you got out. WIN WIN!!!

My ex recently died living the fast life on a motorcycle. I can't tell you how many times he almost killed me speeding through life. How we live can catch up with us so quickly that we die.

The Old Guy may like ketchup but at least he doesn't force you to feed him dog food! Go Old Guy!

Homestay Mama said...

Katie,
Just a heads up--I left you a little something in the margin of my other blog, Amazing Journey, Amazing Grace.
*Hugs*

Paula said...

I have been married 19 years and never once has my husband told me my food was bad. I know the signs..if he eats only one plate or eats it slowly that means he didn't really like it but he will tell me it is ok and then just not eat anymore. Guess I am lucky that way...and he never ever complains about when we have dinner, I could serve it at midnight and he would be ok with that.

Not that he is the 'perfect' hubby believe me he has lots, and lots of flaws but my cooking isnt one of them.

Staci said...

oh this is just too good...im dying....i LOVE it!! you should send him an email with a link to this post!! ahahaha

SassyDog said...

That was too funny! You are my heroine!!!

Gramma 2 Many said...

Beach Music by Pat Conroy.
A must read. Same scenerio. Oh maybe you have already read it. Right? My husband will not allow canned dog food in our home:)
If you did this for real, it is one of the best!!

Baba said...

LOL! Hilarious! And fitting! Thanks for stopping in at Babasfarmlife and voting for me! Lol, their messy is cleaner than my tidy too.

Terry said...

You sure know how to make a gal laugh till her sides hurt.
I am so loving the fact that you are (after all the heartache )having the last laugh and you have plenty of comapny to laugh along with you.
Thanks for the best lol true story .
Have a blessed week.

Tatersmama said...

Jackie, LOL... He actually deserved worse than dog food, but it was all I had handy! I wish I had the recipe for Kitty Litter Cake back then... He LOVED Tootsie Rolls!
~~~
Sherri, Let's not get into the whole "my mom makes it better" thing. In my opinion, HIS mothers food sucked weinies! Her idea of gravy was pouring the fat straight from the pan into the gravy boat, and by the time we ate, you had to chip the congealed grease off!
*URP*
~~~
Sue, This had me laughing so hard that I had tears streaming down my face! I could just see him lifting his leg every time he got near a fire hydrant!!
~~~
Cindy, It barked like a dog, had the morals of a dog and he deserved every thing he got.
Pity he was the love of my life.... (shhhhhh!)
~~~
Rubies... I KNOW! ;-) But friends tell each other these things, don;'t they? *wink*
~~~
Robynn, Been there, done that - and it made us stronger, didn't it? I finally got what I deserve and it was worth the heartaches.
My ex is gonna die in somebodies bed... and the guys wife is probably gonna do it.
~~~
Paula... It's good to know that all men aren't the same... and lucky you, for being Blessed with a good one!!!!
My ex was more the plate-throwing kind, but I did much better with this one. :-)
He may drown everything in ketchup, but I've never had a moment of fear with him.
~~~
Staci, Chances are, he wouldn't be able to figure out which ex-wife it came from !!! LOL (he's been through 3 since I left)
~~~
Becky, Thanks darlin'! Did you get my email?
~~~
Gramma 2 many, I'm checking out Amazon shortly! It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one... even if the other one is fictional! ;-)
~~~
Baba, Too bad I didn't make a dog biscuit dessert or something... then I could have said that he got his "just dessrts" !!
I'll be back to vote tomorrow..;-)
~~~~
Terry, That's what I love about this bloggy world... the friendships that you can make!
A blessed week to you too!

The Wife said...

Oh my, I needed a good laugh and that sure gave me one. I read it to the husband. He said "That's just not right." And don't get any crazy ideas from her! ROTFL!!

Susan said...

Hey, That was sooooooooooooooo funny! Loved it! Yes, You definately rock girl! I needed a good laugh! I laughed so hard I about peed my pants.

Reddirt Woman said...

Love it!!! Just gave him what he wanted. What gripe could he have after that?

You get my "Atta Boy, Girl!!!" award for this post!

Helen

I don't believe it... the word verification is patte

Marilyn's Money said...

Now Katie....really?

Bz said...

I'm curious if the "Old Man" knows this story??
It would be a good thing.
...and what if your kids wanted a bite??
I guess it is somtimes true that ignorance is bliss- would be funny for your ex to stumble on this.

Treehouse Chef said...

Tatersmama, You crack me up. That is sooooo funny! You got some guts girl. That is all I can say.

Roslyn Atwood said...

I laughed! That was so clever & so gutsy. Did you give him what he asked for everyweek from then on?
Oh hohoho!

ladyfi said...

OMG - I'm laughing my head off here... Thwack.. that's the sound of it falling off.

Karma really can come back and bite your butt!

Yep - sounds like he got what he deserved...

Susan said...

Come on over and pick up your reward!!!!!

Frugal Maven said...

Even on vacation I need to come over here for a laugh. Thanks for making my morning. So glad the Old Guy is a vast improvement. Wish it didn't take us so long to get the man thing right.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Okay, you rarely go THIS long without posting so I'm getting worried. Hope all is well....!

Irene said...

Hi Katie
I would have killed him (maybe some rat poison) and pleaded he asked for it.

Andrea said...

Love these posts about the ketchup!! I am exactly the same...it is so frustrating!!!! There are a few people I would have liked to try the dog food solution on. :) Your sense of humor always has me laughing over here.

The W.O.W. factor! said...

Holy Crappola Lady Katie! You are lucky to here blogging! You REALLY did that??
Here's a good pat on your back! He deserved it!

Tatersmama said...

Kit, I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but he more than deserved it! You could say he got his "just desserts" Bawhahaha! But your guy has nothing to worry about - and he KNOWS that!!
~~~~
Susan, I still pee my pants when I think about it!!
~~~~
Helen, Thanks! I still can't buy canned dog food to this day without wetting myself!
~~~~
Marilyn, Cross my heart and hope to die. REALLY!
~~~~
Bz, Yep, the Old Guy knows the story and he knows that he has nothing at ALL to worry about! Let's just say that the relationship with the ex was less than happy... and the kids knew what I did. If I had a nickle for everytime they told me "mom, he doesn't treat you right - why don't you leave him?" I would be a rich woman.
~~~~
Treehouse Chef, I don't know that it was guts... more desperation than anything.
~~~~
Rosyln, Well not every week, but there were times I was sure tempted!!
~~~~
ladyfi, I hope you found your head by now... ;-)
~~~~
Susan, Thank you! I picked it up but haven't gotten around to posting it yet!
~~~~
Irene,,, ah honey, what's done is done. I just hope he eventually marries a woman that kicks his arse! (he's on his 3rd since me and there were 2 others before me, so he gets around.)
~~~~
Andrea, So... are you going to name names? ;-)
~~~~
Barb, Yes I DID ! He barked like a dog, shagged anything that walked and he deserved it!
I'm not "proud" of it, but I don't entirely regret it either!


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